I meant to post this a few days ago, but Smoothie P sent me an unedited love letter to Marreese Speights, and I got distracted by my softball league.

Oh, you didn’t hear? My nickname around these parts is “E4.” Remember when you played your buddy in a video game, and you would slide Mike Piazza to shortstop or Barry Bonds to catcher? Pretty cheap, right?

Well, it’s something like that. Sorta. I guess the question that management has is whether they can hide my .714/.750/.714 line somewhere in the field. Yes, you read that right. I am a singles hitter who can’t field. In slow pitch softball. I have a very suspicious feeling that I will be ‘handling the staff’ next game, and probably from here on out. In baseball, the catcher is one of the most important positions in the field. In slow pitch softball, however, catching duties are usually delegated to your buddy’s chesty girlfriend. Or me, apparently.

(Let the record show that this is *not* a co-ed league. Give me a little credit here).

Where was I? Oh yea…

Name: Sharone Wright

Hometown: Macon, GA

College: Clemson

Quote from a friend: “Now this guy I like!”

Last Known Whereabouts: The Netherlands, of course.

Sharone Wright was the 6^th best player in a five player draft. In order, the top-5 picks of the 1994 draft were Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd, Grant Hill, Donyell Marshall, and Juwan Howard.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1994_NBA_Draft

Now obviously hindsight is 20/20, and Marshall and Howard didn’t really pans out, but these five guys were highly-touted in college. But I wasn’t worried. WIBR reader, and recently married, Missing Detmer Brother loved the Sixers’ pick. (See the above quote). And if anyone had a pulse on front court players in the ACC, it was MDB. So I bought in to MDB’s scouting. I bought in to the system. I mean, how could something so wrong, feel so Wright?

So the Sixers chose Sharone Wright, who turned out to be a poor man’s version of Armon Gilliam. And saying you’re the poor man’s version of Armon Gilliam is like calling Randy Ready a poor man’s Tommy Herr.

(In defense of Armon, his nickname was “The Hammer.” Sharone’s nickname at the end of his Sixers’ career was “Sharon.”)

Sharone Wright averaged 11 and 6 in his rookie year, which was respectable enough to earn all All-Rookie second team honors. What sticks about Wright, however, was his inability to pass. Once Sharone took an entry pass in the low block, forget it. You may as well back-pedal on defense. If Gilliam was the ’black hole’ on the low block, then Sharone was the sphincter. Wright registered just 48 assists his rookie year (It was 48 more than fellow first-rounder Yinka Dare, however), and complied almost a 1:3 assist-to-turnover ratio.

Half-way through the ’95-’96 season, the Sixers cut bait. We traded Wright to Toronto for Tony Massenburg, Ed Pickney, and a future Baltimore Orioles third baseman (Ryan Minor).

Sharone put up decent numbers in Toronto before a serious car accident derailed his NBA career. He is currently an assistant coach for the professional team, the EiffelTowers, in the Netherlands, and some day, I hope to manage the Edmonton Lincoln Monuments.

For further reading:

http://www.slamonline.com/online/nba/2008/10/he%E2%80%99s-all-wright/

http://www.basketball-reference.com/players/w/wrighsh01.html

Throw it down big fella…

An email.

WIBR,

No Sixers talk? The draft is this week, and you’re too busy discussing your fear of the log flume. Give us something we can use. What does Smoothie P have to say?

-Mad in Manayunk

Hold on, hold on. First off, it’s not easy tracking down Smoothie P. He’s the Hunter S. Thompson of guest posters. He’ll give you gold, and then subsequently vanish for three months. I asked Mr. P if he wanted to write up a Sixers piece, and he quickly faxed over a $2000 bill covering “researching fees” and Hallucinnogenics.

He’s a prisoner of his own creativity.

But he also loves his Sixers. So without further ado…

Okay, so this is the first time I've had to reflect on the 76ers moves this last month and...I love pretty much all of it. This is contingent upon them drafting Evan Turner, but I'm almost 100% certain this will happen.  

Here's what I like:

1. Marreese Speights

Speights finally gets the 25-30 minutes a night that Sammy Dalembert has been sucking up for the last 7 years. Jesus, has Sammy D been playing 27 minutes a night for the last 7 years? Why yes! And it's been glorious! Sammy's had six coaches since being drafted in 2003 (I feel like Larry Brown, coach #7, drafted him, but I'm too lazy to look it up). 

[WIBR note: Smoothie P is correct. Sammy was drafted under Brown’s watch.]

The 76ers wins by year during his tenure: 33, 43, 38, 35, 40, 41, 27. We made a nice pick scooping him up at #26, but you can't be married to a guy drafted that late for seven fucking years. It clearly wasn't working out.

Speights is a genuine reason for optimism. He has averaged 18 PPG and 8.6 RPG per/36 minutes as a 21 and 22 year old—and held his own when getting more minutes. Speights played eight games last year where he averaged between 25-35 minutes. Here were his numbers:

Minutes Played: 29.5

Points: 18

Rebounds: 7.7

I would run the high pick and roll all day with this guy. I would call a high pick and roll the first play of the first day of practice, stop the play in midstream, stand on a soap box, then announce to the entire team,

“If Mo can master this play, he's playing 30 minutes every night. And all you other bigs can suck it.”

I trust Collins sees Speights as one of the potential players who could take a major step forward for them. Speaking of which:   

2. The drafting of Evan Turner.

I'm hoping Evan Turner can become our Joe Johnson. It seems like a reasonable request for a #2 pick. Turner is a legit 2 guard, something we haven't had since Hawkins/Hornacek. He could potentially play the point. He rebounds enough to soak up some minutes at SF with Holiday and Lou Williams playing guard. He's pretty much exactly what we need. Happily, we'll never get to see Eddie Jordan sabotage his development. SEGWAY!

3. The hiring of Doug Collins.

Anyone but Eddie Jordan.

Every single one of our young guys went backwards last year. Collins doesn't feel like a coach who can lead you to a championship, but we weren't getting one of those guys anyway. This hire was the next best thing. Collins will be a good bridge to whatever it is we do in the 2012 offseason. Most importantly, Collins has the clout to play the best players. I really believe he's clearing the way for Speights and that's the single most necessary move. Elton Brand is not the future.

4. Our depth.

Let's look at our depth chart. It's not too shabby.

Guards: There are 96 minutes a game to be had. Holiday, Turner, and Williams need to get almost all of them. The backcourt has the potential to be a huge strength. Holiday and Turner are both big guards. You can potentially play them at the 2 and 3, with Williams as the 3rd guard. You can play them together at guard in an attempt to cover up your defensively deficient frontcourt.  

Holiday is the real key here. We're not sure what we have yet, but it's promising. Stud defender. He's probably going to turn into a solid offensive PG as well. I thought Ty Lawson was the better pick last year, but I think I'd rather have Holiday now. Nice work, Ed Stefanski.

Lou Williams is a very nice backup combo guard. This might be one of our strongest roster spots. Run the high pick and roll with Speights and Lou.    

Forwards: The best part of Turner's arrival is that it lets Iguodala fulfill his destiny as an off-the-ball offensive player. Iggy is a wonderful player, who has taken on too much offensive responsibility the last 3 years. The development of Speights, Turner, and Holiday will allow him to settle into a secondary role on offense.

Defensively, he's elite. He can guard the 2 or 3. He passes every bit as well as the more skilled shooting guards. He rebounds as well as the grittier small forwards. He finishes well. He literally does everything well except shoot jumpers from beyond 15 feet. That's cool. We should be able to cover for that. Let's enjoy him for what he is.

Nocioni and Thad are the two true backup forwards. To be honest, we don't need both of them, and I think Thad is on his way out. His minutes will evaporate with the drafting of Turner, which slides Iggy to the forward spot almost exclusively. You can try to play Speights and Thad at the 4/5 at the same time, but I don't see how that works defensively. A trade seems in order. If not, you hope Thad develops a consistent jump shot to complement his ability to finish.

Nocioni could be a nice addition. He can shoot the 3 and rebound. His contract does suck balls though.

Bigs: We have Brand, Hawes, and Speights. Defensively that's pretty weak. We're currently without a legit NBA defensive center. The closest thing is Hawes, but he's pretty mediocre. It's the biggest hole on the roster.

It means Speights has to play in front of Brand at the PF position, because they can't play together. I don't mean to keep harping on Speights, but you have to see his full potential before he becomes eligible for free agency. If he becomes a poor man's Amare, then you have yourself a huge asset. If he underperforms like Thad last year, you don't make the mistake of signing him to a 4 year/36 $mil deal.

 Either way, you gotta know.       

So much to discuss…

The Flyers

I am officially Flyer’d up. Now, I don’t know much about hockey. In fact, I never heard of my new favorite player, Ville Leino, until about two weeks ago, but I’m fully on board now. Call me a bandwagoner if you must, but in my pathetic defense, I offer this:

I have never been ice skating before. I have trouble relating to any sport on ice.

In fact, I only have roller skated a hand full of times, and am still traumatized from an incident at summer camp when I was six years old. Little WIBR, skating for the first time, spent the first twenty minutes latched on to the wall like a bad stench, but I was a child with a curious mind. I have always tried the most exotic of foods. Watched the most erotic of porns. So I strayed towards the center of the rink. I was doing it. I was roller skating! I traveled about six feet when…

Two assholes, who had to be at least twelve, held hands and delivered a double clothesline that would have made the Big Boss Man and Akeem blush. Just decked me. WIBR went flying. I bawled. I picked up my shattered self confidence and spent the remainder of the afternoon in the arcade.

As for this Flyers team, I love them. Blocking shots. Screening the goalie. Playing physical. Leighton has been incredible. What’s not to like? Barry Melrose said that Montreal matched up better with Pittsburgh and Washington, because they are two flashy, finesse teams. He said Les Canadians would struggle with our style of play. Barry looks pretty smart right now.

I know there is a small, but rabid group, who absolutely love the Flyers above any other sports team. I’m not a member of this group, but I respect your work. Enjoy this run.

In personal news, I made a facial hair bet with a co-worker regarding the Flyers/Bruins series. I am happy to report that my colleague looks ridiculous in his chin strap beard.

The Sixers

Sometimes, when you display such utter incompetence for such a long period of time, a high power intervenes on your behalf. Clearly, the Sixers needed a gift, and we received one last night.

My early gut says Evan Turner. Has to be right? He averaged close to a triple-double last year. Slide him in at the two-guard position. I do have one concern, however. The last time I put my trust in an Ohio State guy, Bobby Hoying led the Eagles to a 3-13 season.

The Phillies

They are playing great baseball, but I have one concern.

Halladay’s pitch count.

I know he’s a horse. I know he can give you 8+ innings every time on the bump, but geez Charlie, we have Roy for four more years. What logical reason is there to have Doc throw 130+ pitches in a May game against Pittsburgh? He’s a shiny, new toy. I get that. I want to play with him too.

Just use a little discretion next time.

Besides that, we’re playing very well, last night’s mulligan aside.

The Eagles

Finally, a little peace and quiet from you guys.

The Union

Residential Union expert, Branyan’s Bat Boy, has a few thoughts on our boys in blue.

Danny Mwanga was beginning to feel the pressure. Taken with the #1 overall pick in the MLS Superdraft, the 18 year-old Oregon State product, via Kinshasa, Congo, has seen spotty playing time, and was mostly ineffective when he did see action for the Philadelphia Union.

Everywhere I went, all around Philadelphia, all the talk was about Mwanga's slow start, and the Union's struggles. Just yesterday, I was at the local 7-11 getting coffee, and a man said to me, "Hey, how bout this Mwanga? He's got as many goals as me."  And on Saturday, the day after the Flyers became only the third team to come back from a 3-0 deficit to win a series, all the talk was about the big Union game against FC Dallas at the Linc: "Do you think Califf can control Jeff Cunningham? Is Le Toux's knee healthy? When is Mwanga gonna do something?"

The Congo Kid heard all of the calls, and he answered the phone on Saturday in front of 25,000, when, with the Union down 1-0 in the 93rd minute, Mwanga drilled a loose ball by the stunned FC Dallas keeper to get the Union a tie and a point, sealing his fate as "the next big thing" in Philadelphia.

Normally a tie leaves you feeling indifferent, like you're kissing your sister, but this felt much better than that.  It felt like Russell Branyan was kissing your sister.

And in honor of Boss Man and Akeem, I offer you this. (Fast forward to the 8:50 mark for a vicious clothesline).

Here’s a popular trivia question:

The Sixers have had 12 different head coaches since 1990. Name these men.

Now, we can all agree that the Sixers’ brass has no idea what they are doing. Aside from Larry Brown, the Sixers have hired either inept coaches (Johnny Davis), lazy coaches (Doug Moe), or pulled the plug too early on quality coaches (Mo Cheeks; Jim O’ Brien).

So here we are. Another off-season. Another coaching search. Stefanski hit a home run last year with the hiring of Eddie Jordan, so why not let the man lead the search again, right?

He’s a Philly guy, damnnit.

WIBR’s Sixers’ expert, Smoothie P, was seen wandering around Montgomery County in a zombie-like daze, muttering the same phrase over and over again:

Disgusted…absolutely disgusted…

The casual fans quit long ago, and the die-hards are straddling the thin line between hopelessness and dementia. The Sixers need outside help. They need to outsource this coaching search to a few independent contractors--people who aren’t afraid to ask the hard questions. What the Sixers need is…

WIBR’s first-ever “Choose your next Sixers Coach!” post.

Let’s meet the candidates.

Name: Larry Brown

Political Platform: The Nostalgia Party

Target Demographic: Defensive-minded small forwards

All in favor, say “Aye”: A Hall-of-Fame coach who could lead guys from an over-thirty Hebrew Men’s League to a #7 seed. The Sixers were last relevant when LB ran the show, so why not turn back the clock?

All in favor, say “Nay”: Larry Brown is like having sex with an ex-girlfriend. You can’t remember why you broke up, until she leaves you with a roster full of overpriced veterans.

Name: Doug Collins

Political Platform: The War Hero Party

Target Demographic: Males between the ages of 40-65

All in favor, say “Aye”:  A former #1 draft pick of the 76ers, Collins had some success as head coach of young Michael Jordan and the Bulls in the late 80s. He played for this team. He knows the city.

All in favor, say “Nay”: “He played for this team. He knows the city.” Who cares? So did Vernon Maxwell. Collins is another retread coach.

Name: Bill Laimbeer

Political Platform: We Got Next Party

Target Demographic: Women; Notre Dame alum

All in favor, say “Aye”:  An NBA tough guy with a random video game. He has won titles as a player and as a coach—the fact that he was coaching in the WNBA is just a minor footnote.

All in favor, say “Nay”: He was a two-time winner of the “Shooting Stars” competition during NBA All-Star weekend and coached the Detroit Shock to three WNBA championships, as reported in the Whogivesafuck Times.

Name: Dan Majerle

Political Platform: Success Breeds Success Party (SBS Party)

Target Demographic: Anyone who owned NBA Live for Sega Genesis; Chippewa Nation

All in favor, say “Aye”:  A very good player for some very good teams. He is currently an assistant coach of the Suns, who just smoked the Spurs last round. Was also a prominent member of this exchange when a friend and I bet on a Central Michigan football game back in college:

Didn’t an NBA player go to Central Michigan?

“Yeah, Majerle did.”

I bet Thunder Dan is one proud Chippewa.  

All in favor, say “Nay”: Majerle has never been a head coach before, and is only at the tender age of 44. Appeared in Forget Paris.

Name: Monty Williams

Political Platform: ???

Target Demographic: WIBR and Branyan’s Bat Boy; Black Irish Catholics

All in favor, say “Aye”:  As a die-hard fan of Notre Dame basketball, I am one, of maybe fifteen people in this country, who know Monty Williams well. Like Scott Skiles, Williams had a cup of coffee with the Sixers, so there is a precedent. A conversation between B3 and I:

“Dude, we’re interviewing Monty Williams.”

For what?

“The Sixers’ head coaching job.”

Oh.

All in favor, say “Nay”: Not exactly a sexy hire, eh? Sixers fans would also be subjected to snarky blog headlines like, “Monty Williams and the Holy Fail.”

Name: Avery Johnson

Political Platform: The Savvy Point Guard Party

Target Demographic: Fans who understand the game; heady point guards; floor generals; locker room leaders; guys who distribute the basketball

All in favor, say “Aye”:  A former head coach with a good track record. Also won an NBA championship as a player. Johnson seems to be a happy compromise among Sixers fans. A good number of people covet him, but a huge majority can tolerate him.

All in favor, say “Nay”: Does he even want to coach here? ESPN analysts seem to be too cool for school when it comes to the Sixers coaching job. Has a very high voice, which may be the outlet for frustration after a 1-7 west coast trip.

Name: Sam Mitchell

Political Platform: The Sixers love retread coaches with losing records Party

Target Demographic: That’s a great question

All in favor, say “Aye”:  Won the 2006-2007 Coach of the Year. Was publicly endorsed by Stephen A. Smith.

All in favor, say “Nay”:  Was publicly endorsed by Stephen A. Smith. Our last coaching hire who had a career losing record? Eddie Jordan.

As I labor over my Nintendo Bracket post, which is already painstakingly long, I figured I could use some filler material. Just like a Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day special, Smoothie P provides a nice change-up to the WIBR line-up. Take it away Smoothie P.

I really think Ed Stefanski’s first mistake was not to flip Andre Miller at the 2007 trade deadline. I thought Ed had three things going for him at the time:

-A roster that he didn't have to take responsibility for. This was Billy King's mess.

-A team that would've been brutal without a solid PG and had virtually no PG waiting in the wings. It would've been 20 y/o Lou Williams and Kevin Ollie for the rest of the year.  

-Most importantly, a monster draft class featuring Oden and Durant.

Let's not forget that the Sixers had started 3-0, but lost twelve in a row to drop to 5-19 at the time of the Iverson trade. Stefanski kept Miller. They started 18-38, but finished 17-9 and ended up with a 35-47 record. All this really did was slide them down to the 12th pick, which they parlayed nicely into Thad Young. So you walk away from that season with mixed feelings. Yeah, if we'd been terrible we'd end up with Durant/Oden, but we ended up with Young, who you had to feel was better than a 12th pick at the time.  

The ‘07-‘08 season is really the season where Miller killed us. This team is clearly going nowhere. We finish 40-42 with him, good for a 7th seed and a first round exit to Detroit . Thad flashes brilliance. AI2 is solid, but really this is at best a 30 win team without Miller. The first 7 picks of the draft (and 10 of the first 12) are all above average NBA players. We take Mo Speights, an extremely talented big with no defensive skills. We could've had a top 7 pick without Miller and more cap space (maybe the difference in acquiring Josh Smith).

In July of '08, during a rain delay at a Pittsburgh Pirates game, I get a text that we've signed Brand for 5 years 84 million, the infamous "philly max". Shortly after, we sign Iguodala to a 6 year deal worth almost the max. At the time I was confused but thought "Cool, we signed the biggest name on the market." Sure, Brand was hurt most of the year before, but surely the Sixers knew more about his health than I did. Brand, Iggy, Miller, along with our young guys would be good for 48 wins and a 4 seed....

Well, it turns out the Sixers didn't know squat about Brand's health. We fire Cheeks and bring on Tony Dileo. Brand never really gets settled into the rotation, and we start 13-20. He gets hurt and we finish 41-41. We have a scrappy series against Orlando , but lose 4-2.

Everything up until this point kinda made sense (w/o the benefit of hindsight), but the bottom falls out during last offseason. We don't sign Miller for luxury tax reasons. Miller is an above average NBA PG. We have no one to fill that role. Instead of Lou Williams coming off the bench to fill the role of combo guard, he's asked to play major minutes at PG. Instead of taking Ty Lawson for that role, we draft Jrue Holliday, who might eventually be a better player, but right now is an inferior PG. The loss of Miller can't be overstated for a team who's trying to win now. And with two players who you signed for almost max money the year before, you have to be in a "win now" mentality. To compound things, we hire Eddie Jordan, who was fired the year before after a dreadful start with the woeful Wizards.

The results are predictable. Our young players go backwards under a subpar coach. Without a true PG, our offense struggles. No perimeter defense. We're 20-33 at the trade deadline. Brand has been healthy. Hell, everyone's been healthy. There's no excuse for the record. AT THIS POINT YOU HAVE TO BLOW IT UP.

Except we don't blow it up. We could turn down AI2 and Sammy D for Chase Buddinger and Tracy McGrady's expiring deal. This is a good deal for both teams. What the 76ers fail to realize is that you're also trading up several draft spots in the next draft with a deal like this. You're also clearing valuable cap space, not for this year but for future years. IT MEANS YOU'RE ONLY A TRADE OF ELTON BRAND AWAY FROM HAVING SIGNIFICANT CAP SPACE. I can't stress this enough. Get bad for a few years. Your fans can take it. Get a few legitimate top picks and a free agent. It's the only way.

Instead, we're three years away from being three years away as the saying goes. Whatever. They're dead to me...

It was a battle of attrition.

After a stiff competition that included various losing streaks, ineffective starting pitching, a kicker who was short from 44 yards (and Kevin Sefcik), we have finally crowned a winner.

Doug Pederson and the 5-11 campaign, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You early Phillies teams from the 1990s? You guys can relax. Bobby Wallace and the Temple Owls, it’s ok. WIBR understands. It wasn’t your fault.

Take it away, boys.

#1: “You’re right, WIBR. You always are. We stunk, and we shit talked Jordan. No excuses.”

Team: The 1995-1996 Sixers

Record: 18-64

Coach: John Lucas

I was their best player: Jerry Stackhouse/Clarence Weatherspoon

We were the worst player(s): So many to choose from, but LaSalle Thompson stands out

Who the hell were we: Mike Brown, Trevor Wilson, Elmer Bennett (I know who you are, Elmer, but do everyone else?)

Quote from a friend: “Is this hell?”

“No, it’s just the 1995-1996 Sixers.”

Congrats, John Lucas. You are now a book end for the Worst Teams in Philly contest. As coach of the #5 and #1 team on this list, your presence and contribution to WIBR shall never be forgotten. Texans remember the Alamo. I remember you, John.

Coming off a lousy 1994-1995 campaign (#5) that netted us the third pick in the NBA draft, the Sixers thought they had reached rock bottom. Oops. The ’95-’96 Sixers managed to win six less games than the season prior, which can be considered an improbable feat in its own right. Philly fans, and WIBR included, saw a glimmer of hope with rookie draft pick, Jerry Stackhouse.

In fact, I still own and wear his red jersey. I wore it proudly at a recent Sixers game and was the envy of my entire section. And…I recently discovered that Stackhouse is back in the league. He’s on Milwaukee. Go figure.

Let’s discuss some of the main characters:

Jerry Stackhouse

Being a shooting guard at North Carolina, ‘Stack was often compared to Jordan which gave a young WIBR a sensation in my loins that I could not identify at the time (I was only 11). “We’re getting the next Michael Jordan! Why do my tighty-whites suddenly feel too restrictive?” I asked myself.

Well, Jordan he was not. Stackhouse has had a nice little career, but no one can live up to those expectations. My problem with Stackhouse was this:

Remember his rookie year when he called the NBA “easy?” I had forgotten about this little declaration until I found a clip of the Bulls/Sixers on You Tube (which you can find below: 40 second mark). He also called out Jordan, telling the media that he beat him one-on-one all the time in the off-season. What the hell are you doing, Jer? Your team is terrible, yet you call out the best player of all time? Start small, like most bullies. Pick on Muggsy Bogues. Or Jon Koncak.

Stack wasn’t really the problem with this team (although his 31% from three points range in almost 300 attempts and 3.5/TO a game didn’t help), and he was gone less than three years later anyway. ‘Stack and Iverson couldn’t co-exist and we traded Jerry to Detroit for Aaron McKie, Theo Ratliff and a pick.

At least there was only one guy on our team talking smack about the members of the 72-10 Bulls. Right? Um…right?

Vernon Maxwell

“To hell with Michael. To hell with Pippen? Those guys haven’t done nothing for me. And you can print that.”

-Vernon Maxwell (Fast forward to the 2:15 mark of the clip below)

Touché. Pippen’s never giving me shit. For personal safety reasons, I don’t feel comfortable saying anything disparaging about ‘Mad Max.’ I’ll just let his wikipedia page do the talking. Here are a few snippets:

-He left school after four years as the Gators' all-time leading scorer (2,450) and the No. 2 scorer in Southeastern Conference history behind Pete Maravich. He averaged more than 20 points in both his junior and senior seasons, although the University of Florida would erase all the points Maxwell scored in those seasons due to Maxwell admitting to taking cash payments from coaches and snorting cocaine prior to at least one tournament game.

-1995: In a game at Portland on February 6, he ran into the stands to punch a fan, later claiming the fan had heckled him over his wife's miscarriage. The NBA suspended him for 10 games and fined him $20,000.

(For the record, I side with Maxwell on this one. That’s pretty messed up).

-1997: Maxwell was ordered to pay a woman $592,000 for knowingly infecting her with herpes.

(You’re on your own here, Vernon.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vernon_Maxwell

http://www.sptimes.com/2004/05/30/Columns/_Mad_Max__threw_away_.shtml

Let’s just move on.

Shawn Bradley

Soon into the ’95-’96 season, the Sixers tired of former #2 pick, Shawn Bradley. We traded him, along with Greg Graham and Tim Perry, for Derrick Coleman, Sean Higgins, and Rex Walters. How many ‘trash for trash’ trades were the Sixers and Nets involved in? Seven? Eight?

My crack research team was able to find this article from the SI vault after the trade with New Jersey. In an article by Hank Hersch from March 25, 1996:

Even though an injury to Bradley's left knee had shortened his rookie year and he had shown flashes of brilliance late last season, the myriad nicknames Bradley had acquired in Philly attested to his whining (the Mormon Tabernacle Crier), his dim prospects (Missionary Impossible) and his really dim prospects (the Great White Nope).

Some of his 76ers teammates considered him soft. "We get bullied in there," said forward Clarence Weatherspoon in November of the Bradley-patrolled paint. "Make a trade, do what you have to do," said rookie guard Jerry Stackhouse. "We have to be able to compete with other teams' big men." After the deal Philadelphia Daily News columnist Bill Conlin called Bradley "the most scorned and vilified athlete to play here in modern times."

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1007884/index.htm

Bill, look at the bright side. Now McNabb is the most vilified athlete in Philadelphia.

Clarence Weatherspoon

‘Spoon has been profiled on WIBR (Don't bring a fork to a Spoon fight). He was a decent player who worked hard. What I do find surprising is that a team with “The Next Jordan” and “Baby Barkley” were only able to win 18 games. Can anyone pump fake on the low block in a pick-up game without hearing a ‘Spoon reference?

Some Supporting Cast (with rapid fire comments)

Trevor Ruffin: What, you don’t remember the Trevor Ruffin era? He is my second favorite Philadelphia athlete from Hawaii University behind former Eagles’ punt returner, Jeff Sydner. So there’s that.

Derrick Coleman: He really knew how to turn it on during a contract year. Whenever a college player has a lot of talent, but has “heart” issues, DC’s name is brought up. (see: Beasley, Michael). He looked like a turtle.

Sharone Wright: WIBR contributor, The Missing Detmer Brother, hasn’t been more wrong about a prospect since he said this,

“Barry Gardner will be the Eagles’ starting middle linebacker for the next ten years.”

Tony Massenburg: Marc Zumoff would describe Tony as doing, “Yeoman-like work on the boards.” Massenburg was Reggie Evans before it was cool to be Reggie Evans.

The Sixers stormed out of the gate that year, defeating the Juwan Howard-led Bullets (Yes, the Bullets) in their opening game.

http://www.basketball-reference.com/boxscores/199511030PHI.html

Three interesting notes:

1)      Why was Richard Dumas starting?

2)      Like Stackhouse, this was also Rasheed Wallace’s first game.

3)      How bad was the Bullets’ bench? Ugh. 

After a 2-2 start to the year, I started saving money for playoff tickets. I bought into the Sixers’ campaign slogan, “Run with us,” or “Sixers Bas…ket…ball…take it to the basket, Yeah!,” or “It’s a Philly thing.” Whatever the hell it was. Either way, I was excited.

Instead, the Sixers lost 11 straight, and my money went to a Sega Genesis instead.

I’m not going to bore you with the countless losing streaks, but did you know the ’95-’96 Sixers, who won just 18 games, collected wins in their first and last games?

http://www.basketball-reference.com/boxscores/199604210TOR.html

Judging by the box score, I’m guessing that many of the Sixers called it a year weeks before that final game. Or we were tanking for the number one draft pick. Or Oliver Miller ate our starters.

From there, the future got much brighter. We got the number one pick and drafted Allen Iverson. John Lucas was fired. Johnny Davis was hired and fired, and Larry Brown took us to the NBA finals a few years later. I hope this current Sixers team, who is so proud of themselves and their current five-game winning streak, has WIBR on their favorites. They need to read this.

Did any team get left off? Should I have included Temple? Not impressed with the list? 

Comment away. 

http://www.basketball-reference.com/teams/PHI/1996_games.html

“Not even Dr. Kevorkian could help this team.”

-Richie Ashburn

While I was playing a season in Triple Play Baseball for Sega Genesis, with virtual Bob Hamelin and the Kansas City Royals ripping through the American League, I was listening to the Phillies on 1210. I think we were playing the Astros at the time, and Matt Beech had just been touched up for a big number in the first inning. (To me, it seemed like “Beechy” started every game in ’96 and ’97).

1210 came back from commercial break, but Ashburn didn’t realize they were live.

“Not even Dr. Kevorkian could help this team.”

I did a double-take. There was an awkward pause, and then the booth went back to the play-by-play.

(Does any remember this moment? I swore it was a home against Houston, but baseball-reference isn’t collaborating. Please comment below if you have any information).

Anyways…

With the Sixers losing another game yesterday to drop their record to a crisp 15-30, I thought WIBR would look back at five of the most wretched Philly teams of the past twenty years.

Today, we start with number 5:

#5 “We stunk, sure, but geez…we can name at least four teams worse than us.”

Team: 1994-1995 76ers

Record: 24-58

Coach: John Lucas

I was their best player: Dana Barros

We were the worst player(s): Shawn Bradley, Scott Williams, Greg Graham, Derrick Alston, B.J. Tyler

Who the hell were we: Jerome Harmon, Jaren Jackson, Corey Gaines, Kevin Pritchard

Seriously, who were these guys?

The Sixers didn’t have much room to digress from their 25-57 campaign in ’93-’94, but where there is a will, there is a way. They buckled down and won just 24 games the next season. This Sixers team was just brutal. Dana Barros, their best player and All-Star, was really the only reason to watch.

The Sixers doubled as a work-release program. Head Coach John Lucas, who battled his own demons, signed Lloyd Daniels, who had been arrested for attempting to buy crack from an undercover policeman. What in the hell could Shawn Bradley and Lloyd Daniels have talked about on charter flights?

Lloyd: “Ever been to Brooklyn?”

Shawn: “Nah, ever been to Utah?”

Lloyd: “Nah.”

The Sixers built an eight and nine game losing streak, respectfully, and managed just a 2-13 record in January.

Amazingly, this Sixers team featured two different fifty-point scorers that season: Willie Burton (who reached WIBR fame here: http://www.whereisbenrivera.com/remember-that-guywillie-burton ) and Dana Barros, who dropped 50 against the Rockets. This team also won more games than Allen Iverson’s rookie campaign.

Other Sixers teams from the 90’s have lost more games, but this team handed out 10-day contracts like they were American flag pins.

I’m sorry, Dana. You deserved better.

Which player from this team will comment below? Anyone have information on the Ashburn quote?

The emails have been pouring in my inbox now. I am looking for an intern to help sift through the piles and piles of letters. The internship would be unpaid, but the experience would be invaluable. Please send all resumes and cover letters to staff@whereisbenrivera.com.

 Dear WIBR, 

An internet rumor has been flying around the message boards. Did you spend some time in western New York? What are your thoughts on the hiring of Chan Gailey for the head coaching position of the Buffalo Bills? He's not exactly Marv Levy, is he?

Sincerely,

Kenneth Davis

Yes, Kenneth, it's true. It's true. I spent a few years in the Buffalo area. This time in my life would rank above my circumcision, but below every other moment of my existence.

There is a saying that suggests that people's moods are dependent on the weather. That is not entirely true. The weather in Buffalo is shitty for 10 months of the year, but their residents are miserable for about 11 ½ months. There is a two week span before the NFL season where Bills fans are genuinely excited. Perhaps they went 3-1 in the pre-season, or their crappy quarterback de jour is showing improvement during "two a days," but during the last two weeks in August, hope fills the polluted Buffalo air.

And then the season starts.

In a league where parity is flaunted and encouraged, the Bills haven't made the playoffs since the "Music City Miracle." How is that even possible? Even a Kelly Holcomb-led Browns squad managed to sneak into the playoffs in the past decade. During my time in Buffalo, I discovered that Bills fans spent half their life clearing snow off their car, and the other half talking themselves into a Bills playoff run. "No Goal," which references the Sabres/Stars 1999 Stanley Cup finals is sketched everywhere---sidewalks, billboards, passenger-side doors, people's foreheads, etc---it's like a memorial for depression.

Here are some things I heard during my stay:

"J.P. Losman is the white Michael Vick."

"We got Drew Bledsoe, baby! The curse is over!"

"I know this girl, who is friends with this girl...who slept with Travis Henry."

And then there is that stupid "Shout" song. Oh, you're not familiar with it? You Tube it: "The Bills' Shout song."

Take one of the worst wedding songs you can imagine, and put "Bills" in the lyrics. The song is traditionally played after every touchdown, so by my count, "Shout" has played about six times since the new millennium. Rian Lindell kicks about 487 field goals a season, but he can't bother to spell his first name correctly. If you're a mediocre third-string quarterback in the NFL (or even in the UFL Mr. Losman), you have started for the Bills.

The fans are despondent. The city is a poor-man's Cleveland, and if it's not snowing, it must be raining.

Some Bills fans are calling for a McNabb/Marshawn Lynch trade. Lynch told the Buffalo media that he runs in "Beast Mode" when he takes a hand-off, and of course, t-shirts were created.

Some day, the owners of these t-shirts are going to look back at this purchase and laugh about it (Hell, I bought a red Jerry Stackhouse jersey and it still makes me smile), but nothing is funny about a running back who averaged 3.8 yards a carry and is marred by legal trouble.

During their coaching search, Bills fans worried that Buffalo wasn't considered a good destination for potential coaches. You don't say. Unless you're a fan of wet socks and bronchitis, I would advise coaches to stay clear of western New York. This brings me to Chan Gailey.

Gailey and the Bills are two flawed people who are perfect for each other. Gailey was fired as offensive coordinator for the Chiefs before the start of the 2009 regular season. Naturally, when I think of fired coordinators for terrible teams, I tell myself, "Wow, that guy should get a head coaching job."

The Gailey-Bills ticket is destined to fail. They have three quarterbacks, who all stink--a cornucopia of crappiness if you will. Their best running back (Fred Jackson) doesn't even start, and they haven't beaten New England since Hangin' with Mr. Cooper aired on TGIF.

So what is the cure, you ask?

Well, aside from moving the franchise to Toronto and joining the CFL? I have no idea.

I'm not a miracle worker.

Dear WIBR,

How many test messages and voicemails must we leave you? We hate Eddie Jordan, and we hate this Sixers team. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

 -Everyone I know

Ok, you win. For weeks, people have asked me to comment on the Sixers. While some members of the Philadelphia media enjoyed writing, The Ultimate Book of Sports Movies, I have been left with a much more complex subject. Here goes nothing.

1) Fire Ed Stefanski.

That would be step number one. I may be dating myself here, but to channel my inner Beano Cook, I haven't seen such a blatant case of nepotism since the Grant Administration. We hired a guy from Philly who worked as an assistant for one of the most middling franchises in the NBA, because "He's a Philly guy. He knows the city. He wants to win." That's terrific. It is. Why not just hire Speedy Morris, too?

In a league where teams consistently steal front-office guys from successful teams, the Sixers got their GM from the New Jersey Nets. In a league, where you need a superstar to be competitive (sans the Detroit Pistons a few years back), the Sixers trot out a line-up chalk full of average or overrated talent who are playing with bloated contracts. If Stefanski was born in Pittsburgh, is he our GM? I would can Stefanski, and steal someone from the Trailblazers, Spurs, or Rockets. These teams seem to get it. Good drafts, smart free agent signings, a general sense of competence, etc.

Apparently, Portland's assistant GM is named Tom Penn. Perfect. An easy name to remember and an easy name to spell. I love him already.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4175419

Ok, don't like him? How about Dennis Lindsey from the Spurs? Both of these guys were considered for the Timberwolves' GM position.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4123509

It took a two-minute Google search to find two candidates more equipped than our current General Manager.

But Ed Stefanski is a 'Philly guy,' gosh darn it. You're right. I'm sorry. How about we move along then.

2)  Fire Eddie Jordan.

In a league where teams consistently steal assistant or head coaches from successful teams, the Sixers got their coach from the Washington Wizards.

Sound familiar? Friends of mine are calling for DiLeo, Cheeks, Ford, Ayers, Lynam, and one drunk text even asked for Doug Moe's return (That friend is just fond of the three-guard offenses and matinees, however). People say he is the worst of the seventeen coaches we've had in the last 15 years. His rotation is as organized my fantasy draft. I'm surprised Jordan hasn't tried to play Fast Willie Parker at small forward.

This is what I don't understand about the NBA. What was it about Jordan's 230-288 record (as of today) that Stefanski found appealing? His experience? His ability to win more than 40% of his games? Why not give a hungry assistant coach the position?

We interviewed that guy this past off-season. He's an assistant coach in charge of defense (Yeah, I know. Defense. How novel) for the Boston Celtics, Tom Thibodeau.

But no, Stefanski wanted to hire his guy, so he brought in the Wayne Fontes of the NBA.

3)   Trade Iguodala.

Listen, I would trade Elton Brand, but that's not possible. This leaves me about twelve years to iron out some screenplay ideas with Elton before his contract expires. So what's the next logical move? Trade another bloated contract.

Listen, Iggy is a good, but not great player. He managed to land a massive contract. Good for him. You're not winning a title with Iguodala as your best player, and even Andre's family is somewhere nodding in agreement. In fact, I don't think you're even winning a playoff series with Andre as your best player. He's a great complementary piece, but he's the best player on our team. He has trade value, because he's relatively young and a pretty solid player. The Sixers need cap relief. In the NBA, teams have to be shitty to be great.

Right now, the Sixers just stink. There is a huge difference between being shitty and stinking. There have been rumors of a Dalembert and Iguodala trade for McGrady's expiring contract. Where do I sign? This could be a reprieve for a few of the terrible contracts we have handed out.

Side note: Dalembert, who probably deserves an apology from WIBR, has really played well while dealing with the earthquake in his home country. Nice job, Sammy D.

This franchise has countless issues, but this is a pretty good start. Until changes are made in the front office and on the bench, I don't see the point of diving into the problems of the rotation, perimeter defense, playing time, etc. (Or I could just be tired. I've written well over 1000 words).

Get some smart people in here who can make good basketball decisions, and positive results will trickle down on to the court.

4)   Bring back Steve Mix.

Seriously, everyone loves Steve Mix.

Do my eyes and ears deceive me? Allen Iverson has signed a one year non-guaranteed contract with the Sixers. The Sixers are 5-13, somehow still third in their division, and haven't won a game since WIBR was trying on his Magnum P.I. Halloween costume.

So what do we think? Let's delve further (with receding hairline analogies):

Camp #1: A horrible signing. You need to be terribly crappy before you get good.

How quickly we forget that this is the same guy that along with Webber just flat out didn't show up for fan appreciation night. The only people that should be truly happy about this is the Chili's on City Line avenue, where no doubt him and his entourage will be sucking down Petrone and Coronas. I know handicapped people all across the city are worried that there will be a Rolls Royce in the spot that is rightfully theirs. So much for the development of Jrue Holiday. He'll be lucky to get one shot per game now.

-Avid reader, Branyan's Bat Boy

You need to tank, my friends. In my Sixers' preview, I wrote how the Sixers' blew it in 2006-2007 when they decided to show some pride:

The biggest mistake that this franchise made was not rolling over and playing dead back in back in the '06-'07 season when they traded Iverson. The stars were aligned for us. We trade Iverson. Lose eighty percent of our games, and draft either Durant or Oden (in hindsight, we would've drafted Durant). (http://www.whereisbenrivera.com/massive-sixers-2009-2010-season-preview)

Does Iverson make them a title contender? Of course not. Does Iverson make them a playoff team? Who knows? What I do know is that Sixers just improved today. The Sixers are on pace to win around 30-31 games (if my math is correct), and now Iverson should be good enough for another 4-5 wins.

Mediocrity may as well be purgatory in the NBA. If you don't have a top 10 player, forget it. The Sixers don't have that player. Iverson is no longer that premiere player, but he's an improvement, which is the worst-case scenario. The Sixers remain in the same, frustrating rut they've been in the past few years.

An analogy: The Iverson signing is the guy with a receding hairline deciding to grow his hair out. The hair grows wildly on the sides and back, but the front remains barren. The guy looks like Christopher Lloyd. It's only making things worse.

Camp #2: Why not? This team is incredibly boring and pitchers and catchers don't report for another 3 ½ months

It gets people talking about the Sixers since the first time he left. For this home stand, it will draw people. If we keep losing, the numbers will start to dwindle. You still have to win. This isn't Iverson circa 96-03. As far as it affecting our younger guys, if they are that soft, then they stink anyway. And anything that gets us less Willie G and Sammy D, I'm all for (I'm not sure how this gets us less Sammy D, but I'll find a way)

-Loyal fan, Weatherspoon's Pump Fakes

The Sixers are second to last in attendance. More people gather around to watch me poop than to watch this team play basketball. Why not sign Iverson?

They aren't bringing back a random, former All-Star. They are bringing back a guy who was the face of this franchise for ten years. Iverson's off-court baggage surely have turned a few people off, but he was one of the five (three?) best players in the history of this franchise. Everyone remembers this play:

And this one:

Arena attendance will spike and people will tune in. Sure, it may be a train wreck, but at least people are watching again.

An analogy: The current Sixers team with Iverson is like wearing a hat to hide your receding hairline. You know it's not improving the situation, but you still need to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex.

Camp#3: The Eternal Optimist

It's funny too, because my wife got me Sixers tickets for my birthday and they happen to be for Monday.  I think it may be fate.

-Friend of the Program, Rex Walters' Resume

I once told a friend of mine back in '03, that as long as you have Iverson, you have a puncher's chance. Do the same rules apply in 2009? No, but hear me out here.

The Sixers could eventually put out a line-up of Lou W, Iverson, Iggy, Young, and Brand. Is that a good line-up? I don't know. Would it be the worst defensive line-up in basketball? Probably, but it would be interesting, right? Hopefully, we will abandon this Ivy League offense and start pushing the basketball again.

My head knows that Camp#1 is correct, but my loins are telling me something else...

An analogy: With the right combination of Jager Bombs, bad jokes, and dumb luck, even WIBR can get laid once in a while.

Camp# 3: How can it be so wrong, if it feels so right?

Welcome back, Allen.

(Special thanks to all contributions made on this post).